Lots of "stuff' happening and many new lessons to be learned!
It feels like the time for community support.
I recently lost my horse,Mr Peabody, he was so much more than a horse to me, it's been hard and has brought up many issues regarding letting go, dying, living in pain, and generally growing up(for me). I'm struggling with the unpopluar belief that dying is not always the worse thing. Hindsight makes everything clearer, but my regret that I didn't understand or adknowledge his desire to pass sooner is a difficult hurdle to get over.
Going out on the horse-crazy-limb here, he had sent me dreams weeks before he passed. They involved me helping a giant homeless person and me grappling with an intense fear. These were the kind of dreams where you sit up in bed and say WHOA!
He began to colic after a huge snow storm a few weeks ago. I got out the homeopathic and accupressure books and took a lot of deep breaths. After a few hours I was able to find vet that would come out in the miserable road conditions. He was my last choice but only option. Looking back it was a miserable decision, my horse HATED vets and would fight tooth and hoof to keep them away. The vet sedated him, twice, kicked him in the gut, tubed him, harangued me about his tooth care, and charged me a bucket full of money. As the horse was coming out of the sedation he was in a rage. He kicked open the barn door, turned over a cot, broke down a wall and pushed me aside. I cautiously continued massage and accupressure, really desperately at this point. When I had the realization that he may not make it, I gave him permission to die. It changed everything, immediately. His stood up, his breathing became shallow, he nuzzled me, and he began to sweat profusely. I think he went into shock at this point, but I was so greatful for the calm. He lasted another couple of hours, standing near me, asking for belly rubs and hugs. He passed just as I returned with dry blankets and a new remedy.
Thannks for letting me write this, it helps me sort out a myraid of emotions.
I guess my questions or issues are, Why I felt so guilty when i first deceided not to call a vet. And then why I feel guilty over calling the vet? Every class I've ever taken, has drilled into me to first call the vet and then procede with alternate modalities till the vet arrrives. I think the reality that the horse wanted to pass and die without drugs was too hard for me to face. I've also never encountered that discussion in any of my "healing" classes. I have read about end of life classes, my own personal fear kept me from ever attending one. There is much talk about humans asking for no extraordinary life saving measures, my mother has all the paper work filled out and I have copies. This whole event has brought to light the importance of thinking and planning ahead of these issues. Of course Mr.Peabody didn't have access to these documents, nor a pen to sign them, but I believe my dreams were his request. Is it wrong to let an animal pass on their terms? I can't imagine explaining to my other horse people how I "just let him die". He was not an old horse, 18-20, so I didn't have the , "but he was old" excuse to hide behind.
I guess i'm trying to find the balance between acting responsibly and honoring the animals spirit.